Cielo

Alright, so reading back over some of my post from the past year I am a little embarrassed by what I have shared. I know I shouldn’t be because all of those feelings and struggles were/are real and I did, in those moments, need to share what was on my heart and mind.

But holy crap that’s a lot of whining and shitty feelings. That is just not me.

Yes, I feel things very deeply and am often overwhelmed by the negative thoughts in my head. But I have hope and joy and peace and my life is so magical and full. That is who I am. And I am so, so blessed with people in my life who remind me of that when I fall a little too hard.

If I have cornered you in a conversation for longer than five minutes, I hopefully have shared with you my love for my church family. They are the coolest people on the face of the earth and I would be lost without them. I am exceedingly grateful that God has led me to them and allows me to do life with them.

I gave up on religion a long time ago. I have absolutely no time in my life for legalism and judgment and appearances. The faith that I have found and share with the world is based on one thing and one thing only.

Love and relationships built out of love are all I desire and all that I hope to give away.

I do not want to argue doctrine or draw lines between denominations based on who is right and who is wrong. I just want to understand where you are coming from and meet you there. I want to love you for who you are and not who I think you should be. Isn’t that what we’re all looking for in this life? Love and acceptance.

And I’m not perfect. I fail ALL THE TIME. I judge without realizing it. I make assumptions based on my understanding of things instead of finding out someone else’s perspectives. I get righteously angry and my passion goes before my reason. But if I can find my way back to God and His love for me, confess anything that is not based out of love in my heart and make an effort to do better the next day, isn’t that the best that any of us can do?

Thankfully I have been welcomed into a group of people who feel the same way. We are a small and rag-tag bunch who will simply love the crap out of you. We are casual to a fault and base our weekly meetings on coffee, bagels and worship. We all share what God has been doing in our lives. We celebrate. We comfort. We mourn. We do life. We realize that God has an individual plan for each of us and we support each other as we pursue these callings. Everything else tends to fall to the side and I like it that way.

So with this in mind, these people rescued me from myself this week.

Without a doubt, this week was the hardest I have endured to date with our adoption. Expectations and timelines have been shattered and I was utterly broken. I cried more than I have ever cried over this process. I spent an entire day in bed. But it was all worth it.

Even in my despair and my brokenness, I knew that there was hope and that God was at work. He had so much for me on the other side of that meltdown. I was able to let go of everything that I had been holding on to with regards to how I thought our adoption should play out and I am truly and honestly ready to just wait on Him and His plan. I still had to drag my butt out of bed this morning and force myself to church (because I love sleep and my bed….) but I’m so glad that I did.

I was able to sit in the stillness of God’s presence and turn my focus and attention to Him. As I did so, everything else melted away. In light of who He is and how much He loves me, everything else is not so heavy in my heart.

In all of my frustration and resentment, it is not God that I am angry with. It is the world. It is this.

“Pure, unstained religion, according to God our Father, is to take care of orphans and widows when they suffer and to remain uncorrupted by this world” James 1:27

I am not okay with being corrupted by a world of apathy and complacency. I was reminded by one of my dearest friends today that the Lord has placed within me a righteous and burning anger towards injustice in this world. Yes, it is heavy and exhausting, but I am honoured that God thinks I am strong enough to take on such a fight.

I know that I cannot fight the battle for an entire population of orphans, but I can champion the cause of one nation. And I can be the Mama to one tiny soul. That one soul means more to me than I can put into words.

God is good and His heart hurts more than mine ever could for those without a family and He is angered by injustice too. But all I can do is focus on His love for me and my family and the one orphan who we can help.

And thanks to CityLight Church, today I am able to stand a little taller and love a little deeper because of their love and belief in me.

I have many, many friends outside of this church who also cheer me on and I would likewise be lost without you. Thank you for enduring my whining and complaining throughout this journey. I promise to return the favour when your heart and desires become too heavy.

The One You’ve Been Waiting For…

If you’ve been following our adoption journey, whether intimately through weekly phone calls and text message or from afar through this page, this is it. The post you’ve all been waiting for…

Our adoption is official!!!

Everything has gone through!!!

This is a reality!!!

Sparkles! Rainbows! Confetti! Music! Hugs! Laughter!

At least that’s how I should feel, right?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m ecstatic. I’m elated. I’m so grateful to God for His faithfulness to ridiculous little me. I’m thankful and my heart is so full… But…

This journey isn’t over yet.

So what comes next? Death by paperwork.

In the coming weeks our contacts in the country will work with authorities to find us a child (eeek!!!!) but from there all of the paperwork needed to send our agency the official match proposal must be in place. Medical records, police reports, any and all documentation that the Canadian government would need for us to be able to accept a proposal. Sigh. Even here in Canada such paperwork could be slow moving. Just typing out these words is slowly killing my joy.

We are done with waiting!!!

But that’s the reality. More waiting.

So here’s what we need from you. Yes, please celebrate with us! We are so thrilled and want to share this excitement with you. Then please join with us in this prayer:

1. That The Lord would lead our contact to the child that He has for us. We know that there is a perfect fit for our family and we know that she will be lead by His spirit to find this child. We also pray that The Lord would give her strength in these days as this is a delicate process. Please pray that she would meet angels in every government office that she walks into.
2. That months would turn into weeks and weeks would turn into days for us. Obviously we have no choice but to wait for as long as this process will take….. but I’m so ready to be on a plane already!!!
3. That we will be able to continue to raise the money needed to go back to Africa. We do not know at this point how long we would need to be there for or how many countries we may need to visit to obtain the necessary passports and visas to bring our baby home. There are a lot of unknowns still, but we would like to be as financially prepared as possible. (Anyone ready to host a Trunk Show?!?! Free jewels! Bring baby home!!)
4. For emotional and mental strength. I am quickly becoming unbearable to be around because I so badly want to be with this baby. Poor J-Sauce. Please pray for him.

We are so thankful that you continue to support us throughout this process. Thank you for letting us vent and cry on your shoulders and share our joys and our longing. We love each and everyone of you and couldn’t do this without you.

We hope to be able to share much more good news with you in the coming weeks and months.

 

The Wait

I feel like my life is on hold.

I feel like time is moving too fast and standing still, all at the same time.

I feel like I have never been busier in my life and yet it seems like I am doing nothing of value in that busyness.

We drive to preschool, to dance, to work, to the grocery store and home again. The feeling is always there. It never leaves my mind, my heart, my soul.

I have thrown myself into projects connected to my friends and the beautiful country so far away and still so close to my heart. These things bring me great joy and we are excited for the opportunities ahead, but this does not silence the aching.

I exercise. I eat. I have a glass of wine. I play with my girls. I pray. I talk to others about my feelings. I go out and live my life.

Nothing helps.

I continue to research, preparing myself for what might be.

I set new goals and work towards them, but honestly, only halfheartedly a this point.

My heart longs to return to Africa. I long to meet this precious child. To hold her in my arms. To tell her how much I love her. To call her my own.

I could barely type that sentence because it is painful and terrifying to admit to these feelings and to have them live outside of my body.

When we set out on this adoption journey Cupcake was only 5 months old. We knew that we wanted more children and The Lord had spoken to us very clearly about adoption. We also knew that this process was not going to lead us to a child over night. We had heard stories of people waiting for years to see an adoption completed. We were aware of what might lay ahead of us.

But I lied to myself. “We will be different. Ours won’t take as long. We are special”. I may not have voiced those feelings, but I am an eternal optimist and desperately wanted to believe that God would work this miracle according to my schedule. I honestly believed at the beginning of this year that 2013 would be the year of the baby! I was sure that by now we would be home with our three girls, planning for a holiday season full of new joy and love. But this no longer seems possible. Of course God does not bend to the will of humanity and I know this, but the waiting…..

It is hard. It feels like it will never end.

But, the sun comes up everyday and sets every night. I get up and make it through each day. I find joy in the little things and rejoice in the miracles found in other people’s lives. And I wait.

I wait for a breakthrough. I wait for a phone call, an email, anything. I wait for a miracle.

At this point, I covet your prayers. Please pray with us for this miracle. I don’t know what else to do except to pray.

Many well meaning people ask us if there is any news and this question breaks my heart. I wish that there were news. I wish that we could shout it from the rooftops. I wish that we were boarding a plane tomorrow to meet our precious babe. But there is not and we are not. We continue to wait.

As much as this post was necessary for me to write to update you on our story and to vent my emotions, it is a bit of a downer, yes? I know that there is hope. I know that there is a promise for our family. I know that there is an end to the waiting. This will happen and The Lord knows when. Until then, I wait.